“My good “friend” Ira and I are assholes…no, it’s true…no use denying it.”
“He’s right.”
“See? But that’s not the important thing here…what’s important is that we’re also essentially ‘opportunistic stalkers.’”
“Right again.”
“But not in a serial killer stalking kinda way…”
“No, but that would be really cool, wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah it would, and you could pull it off, but I’m too good-hearted for that line of work. I’m a people person.”
“True…you know, I think you may be holding me back.”
“Nah, you’re too lazy to put the work in on your own.”
“Good point.”
“As I was saying, we’re stalkers in a ‘follow you closely to see if anything happens that could make us famous’ kinda way.”
“Right! Like what we’re about to tell them?”
“Yeah, but don’t get ahead of things…gotta build some tension. Hmm, hmm…today started off like any other day…”
“Meaning it was miserable, endlessly miserable.”
“Yes…that’s what I mean, obviously…but when the thunderheads rolled in we knew something was up. We don’t get those kind of storms here. Just dusty sandstorms or sinsect storms.”
“Aw, man, I hate those…they are the WORST!”
“Yes they are. But anyway, this was a true thunderstorm. So, as curious demons, we wanted to investigate.”
“Besides, maybe there was a carcass or something good to nibble on…you never know? It could happen.”
“Yeah, sure, because eternity here is all about wishes coming true…idiot. Anyway, we climbed a hilltop near the edge of Tartarus and saw three strangers. Not usual strangers either…”
“No…glowing strangers…ooooh.”
“What’s with the sound effects?”
“You said we’re building tension.”
“Yeah, but you’re just making us look like idiots. So if you don’t mind…”
“Ex-cuuuuuuuse…me.”
“…the strangers were glowing…and had already run into a colleague of ours…goes by the name Virgil; real busybody type. And smug. Don’t like the guy. Now he could be a serial killer for sure.”
“Virgil beat us up once when we got a little bit lippy with him…”
“HEY! They don’t need to know that…anyway, the strangers…two females and a male. The male looked dodgy to me, but the females – they were something else…”
“Yeah…they were HOT. I mean SMOKIN’!”
“…you done with the bad Hell puns?”
“Yeah…”
“We got close enough to hear Virgil mention something about “grace,” and I knew right then, these three might just be our ticket out of here.”
“Yeah, cuz even though Hell isn’t the worst place imaginable, it is pretty depressing day after day…”
“It is…but I have a feeling that starting tomorrow our luck is about to change.”
“Maybe for the better.”
“Yep…maybe. G’night for now.”
Dear Mr. Dextra . . . my good friend, Ira . . . what an extraordinary gift you have for holding up both ends of the dialogue! If schizophrenia were a sin, you’d be in that Bolge!
I’m reminded of those famous cartoon vultures who sounded like lads from Liverpool.
Whaddya want to do?
I dunno, what do YOU want do?
G’night, indeed!